Why Kadaj Was Never Meant To Meet A Penguin
by Moved to Shachou
Summary: Sephiroth thought it was a wonderful idea...why not host reunion at the North Pole? Now Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz must somehow make it to the North Pole, and on the way they encounter penguins, ice, pink parkas, and lawn gnomes. T for Lang, One Shot


Author's Notes:

Just a one shot I thought of randomly. Probably not all that awesome, but Lidya said it was worth posting so here it is.

Thanks to:

xWhiskey-Rosex: Oh yeah! I came up with this when we were on the phone..heh..

MidnightCherryBlossom: I dont know if your going to read this or not, but you get the customary Chcolate Llama Statue for revewing every FF7 poem and or fic I have up! ((hands))

Wolviana: You get a hug! ((hugs)) Alright, so it wasn't much. But you know how important you are to me in real life!

Ereona-san: Uhh...sake? ((hands her a bottle))

* * *

"Of all the Jenova-Forsaken places on earth...he had to pick _here_." Loz growled, his teeth chattering. Picture it, those three beatiful men, Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz. Now picture them standing in knee deep snow, all with their arms wrapped around theirselves and snow blanketing their heads.

"Techinically, its not here." Yazoo said, trying to shrug off some of the snow and take a step forward. He ended up stumbling and almost falling face flat into the snow. "Sephiroth said reunion was here." He pulled out a holographic map from his black (as expected) backpack and pointed to a blinking green dot dead center on the top of the map.

"Its still north of us!" Loz shouted, agitated. "I swear, of all places to choose for reunion and he had to choose the north pole!" He kicked a chunk of snow and it hit Yazoo, who began to choke on the snow.

Kadaj yanked the map from Yazoos hands and threw it over his shoulder into the snow. "Did you bring anything else in that bag of yours? Some fire materia, a can of baked beans, anything!"

Yazoo, finally over his choking spell, shrugged and opened up his bag. "I brought three jackets in case he choose Mt. Nibel again..."

Kadaj and Loz scurried over. "Gimme!" They both choursed, staring eagerly as Yazoo pulled the parkas out of the bag. Then their jaws dropped.

Sure, there was two brown parkas, both warm and welcome looking. But the third...it was pink and fuzzy and three sizes too small for any of them.

"Aeris's parka!" Loz exclaimed.

"Now I wonder how that got in there..." Kadaj muttered, glaring suspciously at Yazoo. Yazoo flustered.

"I have no idea..don't know what youre talking about...must've fell in there..."

Loz laughed. "So who gets it?"

They all looked at eachother, then nodded as though they had already decided. "Rock, Paper, Scissors!"

After numerous rounds of that acursed game (Author's Notes: I can never win...I'm cursed with it..), Loz drew back with a dissapointed look on his face, while Kadaj and Yazoo were snickering.

"Come on, Big Brother, try it on!" Kadaj teased, trying to pull one of Loz's arms into the sleeves.

"Ge'off me!" He shouted, throwing his arm out so Kadaj went flying. "I'm not wearing that!"

He began to stuff the parka back into the bag, but then turned around again as he heard Kadaj scream.

"Cloud!" Yazoo shouted. But no, it was much, much, worse.

When Loz had thrown Kadaj off, the little cutie had landed right into a...penguin! (Dun dun da dun!) Kadaj was now trying to get up and run away as fast as possible from the squawking creature.

"Ah, monster! Big furry monster! GAAAAAAAAAH!" He shouted, waving his arms back and forth as he continued to get up, run five feet, trip, and get back up.

Loz watched with a shocked look on his face and Yazoo took action. Whipping out Velvet Nightmare, he made sure that penguing got at least 15 bullets to the head. As the amphibious bird dropped dead, Kadaj sighed with relief and dropped to his bottom, then jumped up quickly as the snow soaked his leather.

They all then, deicding it was safe, stepped slowly over to the penguin.

"Its not breathing.." Kadaj muttered.

"Of course its not breathing, idiot. I just shot it full of holes." Yazoo commented dryly, kicking the corpse.

A sniffing noise though began to emit from the back of the party. Kadaj turned on Loz. "What is it now?"

"The penguin.." He cried. "The poor itsy penguin!"

"What's a penguin?" Yazoo asked. Kadaj shrugged.

"Its just an eensy birdie! You guys are so freaking mean, it wasnt going to hurt you! The worst it would do would be for it to peck your head into a nub..."

"Oh, yes. That makes us feel so much better." Kadaj growled. "How come _you_ know what a penguin is, Loz?"

Trying to see past his tears, Loz shuffled his feet. "Mother told me..."

Kadaj rolled his eyes. "Always the favorite child...why him? Come on, lets just get out of here."

The trio trudged on, the snow slowly growing higher and higher, until it was up to their chest. Soon they weren't making _any_ progress, even with Loz standing in the front and clearing away all the snow.

"Theres _got_ to be a better way then this." Kadaj muttered, shivering. "Its so...fucking cold..."

Loz glared at him. "At least _you_ have a parka, 'Daj."

Yazoo grinned. "I still have _yours _in my bag, Loz."

"Shut up."

Everyone was silent for a moment. Then Kadaj's eyes brightened. "Hey, guys look! Ice!" He pointed. "That won't be hard to walk on compared to this snow!"

Oh, so little did Kadaj-kun know. Even as they neared the ice sheet, Yazoo was beginning to get a bad vibe from the idea. "Guys, little red flag going up. What if it can't support us!"

Kadaj laughed. "Don't be stupid, Yazoo." He stepped on it, then slipped and fell onto Loz, who then toppled onto Yazoo, resulting in them all sliding across the ice for about five minutes straight until they got to the other side, where Kadaj hit the snow at an amazing speed.

"Damn it!" He cursed, getting up. There were now obvious bruises over them all.

Suddenly a jingling noise filled the air, and Kadaj looked up. It appeared to be a sleigh...flying in the air with Chocobos attached? Kadaj shook his head, trying to shake the image, but it wouldn't go away.

"Was there cocaine in that bag or something?" Loz asked, looking up with a dazed expression at the specticle.

"I think so.." Concluded Yazoo. "Only one way to find out.." He drew out his gun.

Loz grabbed his arm. "WAIT! First the penguin, now this? There could be a totally innocent person up there, you jer-" Something fell out of the sky and conked Loz on the head, rendering him unconscious. Yazoo slapped his face, trying to wake him up, while Kadaj picked up the Unidentified Flying Object.

It was a little plushie of...Cloud! "What the fuck?" Kadaj muttered. Yazoo looked over.

"Nani?"

"It's...its.." He just shook his head and threw it at Yazoo.

Yazoo looked at it for a second, then his face lit up devilishly. "You know what I'm thinking?" He asked, reaching into his pocket.

Kadaj shook his head. "That you just save a bunch of money on my Chocobo Insurance by switching to Gecko?"

"Nope. That this just might be.." He held up a cigeratte lighter to the mini Cloud. "A voodoo doll."

"SWEET!" Kadaj shouted. Once the doll was nice and flaming, Yazoo laid it on the snow and the two began to dance around it, singing and prancing around like the fools they reall were.

Soon enough, though, the flame sizzled out, leaving a small pile of ashes. Kadaj looked over it, his head bowed. "To a good enemy.." He then stomped on the ashes, burying them into the snow. "Who didn't last long."

Then it came to him. "Wait...'Zoo, are you telling me you had a lighter all along and you didn't bother telling me you had such an efficent source of flame?"

Yazoo nodded softly. Kadaj erupted, then tackled Yazoo, trying to grab the lighter from him. They both wrestled for a few minutes, but then stopped suddenly when a giant shadow fell upon them. They both gulped and looked up.

"Kadaj...Yazoo...why in the overworld map are you two late?" It was Sephiroth. Kadaj and Yazoo both jumped up and stood to attention, but behind their backs, Kadaj was still trying to yank the lighter from Yazoo.

"Er...sorry, Sephiroth-sama!" Kadaj cried. "It's...Loz. He's unconscious and we can't carry him."

"I would expect more from a replica of the exquisite me." Sephiroth snidly commented, looking at himself in the refelction of the ice.

Kadaj rolled his eyes, but then yelped as Yazoo accidently turned on the lighter in Kadaj's hands. Sephiroth watched quizically as he threw it through the air, and then winced as it fell in his hair, lighting it on fire. Kadaj's eyes grew wide, then on instinct began to run around in circles, screaming. Yazoo just sat there and watched in awe as Sephiroth quietly quenched the fire with an ice spell.

"Look, little brother. I don't want to have to throttle you, but..." He reached out a hand and wrapped his hands around Kadaj. Yazoo pulled out his gun, but before he could even defend his brother that annoying jingle sounded again.

Sephiroth looked up, gawking. Then fell unconscious as a ceramic lawn gnome fell from the sled and whacked him on the noggin. "Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Chirstmas!" A jolly (and yet highly annoying) voice cried from the sleigh as it flew off, never to be seen again.

Yazoo slowly looked from Sephiroth, to the lawn gnome lying five fee away, to Kadaj. "What's...what Chirstmas?" He pondered.

"What the hell was this?" He asked picking up the lawn gnome. Sadly enough, it must've had a motion sensor on it, because the second he laid a hand on it, it's eyes lit up merrily (Read: scarily) and it shouted; "Do unto all others as you would have them do unto you. Now give me a hug, my big soul brother!"

Kadaj dropped the gnome like a hot potato and and both him and Yazoo ran screaming back from the direction they came.

"Let's never ever come back here. Not matter what." Kadaj shouted.

"Unless you want to become a living, breathing, mentally lost fudgesicle!" Yazoo added unessicarily. Extremely Unessicarily.

Kadaj stopped running for a second. "Dont you feel we're forgetting something?"

Yazoo paused, then shook his head. A sqawk filled the air, and they shuddered, then continued to run, praying to never again set foot upon the forbidden land of flightless bird monsters and flying ceramic gnomes.

((Eight hours later))

"Guys?" Loz asked, now conscious again, peering around for any signs of his brothers. "...Guys?"

He felt a tap on his shoulder and he whirled around to find a hill of snow piled into what looked like a slightly lopsided and deformed...man? A snow man? Loz shook his head, and kept on walking. It was a long way back to Costa Del Sol...

He felt another tap and whipped around again. The snowman was still behind him, it was following him! "Look, if you have a freaking problem with me, take it up with me once I get back to Costa Del Sol! Until then, unless you some tequila to share with me, you can forget it!" He shouted, poking it in the chest. As a result, the head toppled off and hit the ground.

Now feeling oddly guilty, Loz took the head off the ground, and stuck back on top. Then, weirdly enough, the snowman jumped to life. "Hey there! I'm Froooooosty!"

Loz just stood there, his mouth open in a look a pure terror.

"Come on!" The snowman egged on. "Sing along! Its Froooosty the Snowman! He was a jolly, jolly, soul!"

Loz just gave a little whimper, then passed out again out of fear. Today...was not one of his good days.

* * *

Authors Notes:

Argh...not so good after all. Ihate the ending too...((sighs))I was hoping it would turn out better. Well, please review! Pretty please?


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